DON FRANCISCO (the father)
DO—A PETRA (the mother)
NENA (their daughter)
ROBERTING (their son)
FRED (her son)
FRANCISCO (the servant)
PABLO (the mayordomo)
TIME : One Sunday morning, at about eleven.
SCENE: The living-room. Simply furnished. A window
on the right. At the rear, a corridor. A door on the left Sofa,
chairs, etc. at the discretion of the director.
When the curtain rises, DON FRANCISCO, about
sixty, is seen sitting on the sofa, smoking a cigar He wears a
nice-looking lounging robe. Presently ROBERTING, his
twenty-year old son, good-looking, well-dressed, enters. He wants to
ask some. thing from his father, but before he gathers enough courage,
he maneuvers about the stage and clears his throat several times
before he finally approaches him.
ROBERTING (Clearing his throat). Ehem-ehem-ehem!
FRANCISCO (Looking up briefly). Ehem
FRANCISCO (Without looking at him). What?
ROBERTING. Well, you see it's like this-
FRANCISCO. Like what?
ROBERTING. It's not easy to explain, Father
FRANCISCO. If it isn't then come back when I'm through with the
ROBERTING. Better now, Father. It's about-money.
FRANCISCO. Money! What money?
ROBERTING. Well, you see-
FRANCISCO (imitating his tone). Well, you see-I'm busy!
ROBERTING. I need money.
FRANCISCO (Dropping the paper). Need money! Aren't you
ROBERTING. Yes, but-it isn't enough.
FRANCISCO. How much are you earning?
ROBERTING. Eight hundred, Father.
FRANCISCO. Eight hundred! Why, you're earning almost as much as
ROBERTING. You don't understand, Father.
FRANCISCO. Humph! I don't understand!
ROBERTING. Don't misunderstand me, Father.
FRANCISCO. Aba! You just said I don't understand-that means I'm
not capable of understanding. Now you say not to misunderstand
you-meaning I'm capable of understanding pala. Make up your mind,
ROBERTING. You see, Father, what I'm driving at I~ I want-er -I
want-my old allowance.
FRANCISCO (jumping). Diablos! You want your old
allowance! Youíre working and earning eight hundred, you don't pay
me a single centavo for your board and lodging in my house-and now you
re asking for your old allowance!
ROBERTING. I have so many expenses, Father.
FRANCISCO. How much have you got saved up in the bank?
ROBERTING. How can I save anything?
FRANCISCO. So you have nothing in the bank! What kind of gifts
do you give your girl-friend?
ROBERTING (Embarrassed). I-I-
FRANCISCO. Flowers? (ROBERTING nods.) Twenty-or
thirty-peso flowers? (ROBERTING nods again.) Que hombre
este! When I was courting your mother I used to give her only mani or
(DONA PETRA, about fifty-five,. enters and catches his
PETRA. Yes, I remember quite well, If you only knew what my
mother used to say after you used to give me mani or balut. "Ka
kuriput naman!" she'd say.
FRANCISCO. Pero, Petra, this son of ours is earning eight
hundred. He doesn't give us a centavo for house expenses, and on top
of that he's asking for his old allowance. Where in the world have you
heard such a thing?
PETRA I know a place where the children work and don't give
their-parents any money and still ask for their allowance.
PETRA. In the Philippines.
FRANCISCO. Aba! How ilustrada you are, Petra!
PETRA. (To ROBERTING). You're not going to get a
ROBERTING. But, Mother-
PETRA If you've no money to ride in a taxi, take a jeepney.
ROBERTING. Jeepney to visit a girl! Ay!
PETRA.. (imitating him). Ay what? (ROBERTING
goes out mumbling.)
PETRA. (Calling). Francisco!
PETRA. I'm calling the servant!
FRANCISCO. Demontres with that Servant! Having the same
name as the owner of the house!
PETRA. I'm going to kick him out soon. He broke your plate
FRANCISCO. Again! I don't know why he always breaks my plates.
He never breaks your plates, or Roberting's, or Nena's. No, he breaks
only my plates?
(FRANCISCO, the servant, enters. He is a dark, tall, thin
boy. He looks foolish and is. He has his mouth open all the time.)
SERVANT. Opo, senora.
PETRA. Did you make that sign I told you?
SERVANT. The one you told me to make?
PETRA. (Emphatically). Of course!
SERVANT. The one you told me to write: "Wanted: a Muchacho?"
PETRA. (irritated). Yes, Don Francisco!
PETRA. I'm talking to the servant. Well, did you do it?
SERVANT. No, senora. I didn't make it yet.
PETRA. And why not?
SERVANT. I forgot how it should be worded. I suddenly remember
PETRA. Que estupido! Hala, go out and make it
immediately! (SERVANT goes out.)
FRANCISCO. Where's Nena?
PETRA. Asleep in her room.
FRANCISCO. At this time? It's eleven o'clock.
PETRA Anyhow it's Sunday.
FRANCISCO. Has she heard Mass?
PETRA. I suppose she did at four
FRANCISCO, And so Nena went to the party last night without a
PETRA. It was the first time.
FRANCISCO. I hope nothing happened.
PETRA. What could have happened? We discussed this already
FRANCISCO. Yes, I know, but imagine a Filipino girl going to a
party without a chaperon.
PETRA. After all, she didn't go out with Fred alone. She went
with her friends, Lolita and Luding.
FRANCISCO. Yes, those two girls, since they arrived from
abroad, they've been trying to teach our daughter all the wrong things
they learned from those places.
PETRA. Wrong things? Ay, you exaggerate, Francisco!
(FRANCISCO, the servant enters with a sign in his hands.)
PETRA. Are you through with that? So soon?
SERVANT. I finished it last night, senora.
PETRA. Last night!
SERVANT. Opo, seŮora, but I forgot where I placed it.
PETRA. Estupido itong taong ito! Let me see it. (She takes
hold Of the sign, reads aloud.) Wanted: A Muchacho."
All right, hang it out there at the window. (The SERVANT
hangs it out side the window sill but with the sign facing inside.)
I said outside-not inside!
FRANCISCO. Ay, Francisco, he had to be my namesake!
(The SERVANT, after placing the sign, stays by the window,
making signs and faces to somebody outside.)
PETRA. As I was saying. Francisco--
FRANCISCO. Were you talking to me, Petra, or to the servant?
PETRA (Addressing the SERVANT). Francisco! What
are you still doing here? Go back to the kitchen! (SERVANT
FRANCISCO. You were saying, Petra-
PETRA. As I was saying, I think you're being very unfair to
Nena. After all, she's grown up
FRANCISCO. Petra, my dear, virtue is ageless.
PETRA. I know that, Francisco, but chaperoning is rather
FRANCISCO. Old-fashioned, maybe, in some other civilized
PETRA. But isn't the Philippines civilized?
FRANCISCO. In many ways, yes,-but in some ways it's
PETRA. Ay. Francisco, if Saturnino Balagtas, our great patriot,
should hear you now!
FRANCISCO. Where did you get the idea that Balagtas' first name
is Saturnino? You mean Francisco.
PETRA. Saturnino-Francisco-both end in o.
FRANCISCO. Yes, that's why when you call out my name, Francisco
the muchacho rushes in.
PETRA. Anyhow our women can take care of
FRANCISCO. Are you sure?
PETRA. Especially if they've received an
education. For instance, our Nena is, in her senior year in education
at the University of Santo Tomas. She's even taking some courses in
FRANCISCO. I suppose that makes her immune from
any moral falls.
PETRA. Moral falls, Francisco! Ay, que
exagerada naman tu! No,. what I mean is that Nena is better
educated and more enlightened to take care of herself.
FRANCISCO. (Annoyed). This Petra naman!
You don't see the point. Education, even a university education, with
all the letters of the alphabet after a graduate's name AB, BSE LLB,
PhD, is not moral education. Training the mind is not training the
PETRA. But if the mind is trained, why, the
heart will be ruled by the mind.
FRANCISCO. No, Petra, if a person is
intellectual, it doesn't ipso facto make' him moral.
PETRA. Ipso facto. That's very. deep for
me naman, Francisco.
FRANCISCO. Very deep! Our daughter Nena will
fall in deep water if you don't watch out!
PETRA (Exaggeratedly, just like a woman).
Ay, you're so apprehensive, Francisco,. (The SERVANT
SERVANT. Did you call me, senora?
FRANCISCO. Hoy- you!
SERVANT. Yes, senorito.
FRANCISCO. I'm married to the senora,
therefore I'm not the senorito anymore, but the senor,
SERVANT. Opo, senorito.
FRANCISCO. I'm going to change your name. From
now on you'll be called Francis.
SERVANT. Francis, po?
FRANCISCO. Yes, Francis, understand?
SERVANT. Why not Paquito, senor? Or Paco
FRANCISCO. Because I don't want it! Now get
(SERVANT goes out. ROBERTING comes
ROBERTING. Father, I couldn't get a taxi.
FRANCISCO. Your mother told you to take a
ROBERTING. But I'm visiting my girl-friend.
FRANCISCO. Visiting girls at this time of the day? It's nearly
ROBERTING. She called me up. She says I must see her, right
away. It's very important.
FRANCISCO. Roberting, you went to the party last night?
ROBERTING. Yes, Father, with Lia.
FRANCISCO. You went to the party unchaperoned?
PETRA. Does Roberting need a chaperon?
FRANCISCO. I'm not talking about Roberting! I'm talking about
the girl he took out!
PETRA. Well, if you're going to lose your temper, I might as
well be in the kitchen. (She goes out.)
ROBERTING. Yes, Father.
FRANCISCO. Yes, what?
ROBERTING. I took Lia to the party alone.
FRANCISCO. You young modern people. Do you realize that in my
time when I was courting your mother, her father, her mother, her
three sisters, her young brother., her grandmother, five first cousins
and two distant relatives sat in the sala with us?
ROBERTING. But why so many, Father?
FRANCISCO, Because in those days we were more careful about a
ROBERTING. But in those days-
FRANCISCO. Don't tell me those days were different. Outward
things change, like the styles of women's dresses and men's ties, but
the human heart remains the same.
ROBERTING. But in other countries, Father-
FRANCISCO. There you go, in other countries. The Philippines is
different, my son. Our climate, our traditions, our innate
psychology-- all these make our people different from foreigners.
ROBERTING. But my girl friend has studied abroad-- Columbia
University pa. Filipino girls who have studied in other
countries acquire the outward customs and mannerisms of people with
traditions and temperament different from ours. But a Filipino girl
can't easily change her temperament. It is inborn. (A knock is heard.)
FRANCISCO. Somebody's at the door. Francisc-er-Francis!
ROBERTING. Who's Francis?
FRANCISCO. The servant. I gave him a new name. (Calling
again.) Paquito! (No answer) Francisquito! (The SERVANT
tip pears. FRANCISCO stares at him.)
SERVANT. Yes, senorito.
FRANCISCO. No, no, my son Roberting here is the senorito, but
I'm the senor! See who is knocking. Tell him to sit down.
(SERVANT goes out. ROBERTING and FRANCISCO
go to their rooms. Presently SERVANT comes in, followed by PABLO.
He is a fat, dark fellow. He is all dressed up-- wears a tie and
everything He smokes a cigar. PABLO and the SERVANT
stare at each other, the SERVANT open-mouthed as usual.)
SERVANT. what do you want?
PABLO What do I want? Haven't you got any manners?
SERVANT. I said whom do you want to we?
PABLO. Why don't you speak more dearly?.
SERVANT. What shall I tell the owner of the hour?
PABLO. Who's the owner of the house?
SERVANT. The senora, of course.
PABLO. Why, is she a widow?
SERVANT. Not yet.
PABLO. Tell your senora I want to see her.
SERVANT. Which senora?
PABLO. How many senoras do you have In this home?
SERVANT. There's senora Petra, senorita Nena-
PABLO. Gago! Call senora Petra then.
SERVANT. Opo. Sit down. Here are some cigars (SERVANT
goes out. PABLO, looking about, gets one cigar-then a
second--when about to get a third, PETRA comes in.)
PABLO. Good morning.
PETRA. Good morning.
PABLO. I saw that sign at the window.
PABLO. It says "Wanted: A Muchacho."
PETRA. Why, yes. Are you by any chance a detective?
PABLO. (Giggling). You flatter me, senora! A girl
told me mw that I am very good-looking.
PETRA. Really? That is very interesting.
PABLO Women sometimes tell the sweetest lies.
PETRA. Do you mind if-
PABLO. Of course I don't mind. Go ahead and ask any questions
PETRA. Do you mind if I ask what I can do you Ė
PABLO (Blushing). I'm applying-
PETRA. Applying for what?
PABLO (After mustering enough courage). Iím applying
for the job!
PETRA. What job?
PABLO (Pointing at the sign outside,
PETRA (Looking towards the sign and at PABLO.
Incredulous). You mean-
PABLO (Joyfully). Yes, I'm offering my
PETRA. You mean-you wish to be a muchacho?
PABLO. I wish you wouldn't be so insulting, senora,
but I want to be what they call in Europe a mayordomo.
PETRA. A what?
PABLO. A mayordomo. You know-
PETRA. Oh. You mean-?
PABLO. Yes, that's what I mean.
PETRA (After giving him a dirty look). Well,
for a minute I mistook you for an hacendero or a movie actor.
PABLO. That's right. I don't look like a muchacho~
er-mayordomo My mother always used to say I would amount to
something. (Cupping his hand towards PETRA's ears.) Confidentially,
my mother wanted me to marry one of the President's daughters.
PETRA. President's daughters? You mean the
President of the Philippines?
PABLO. Yes, why not? Is there anything wrong in
PETRA. And you wish to work here as a-er-as a mayordomo?
PABLO. That's it!
PETRA. What can you do?
PABLO. I can watch the house when you're out,
accompany the children, if you've any, to the movies or to parties.
PETRA. What else?
PABLO. I can do many other things. I can even
PETRA. Never mind your social accomplishments.
What's your name?
PABLO. I was baptized Marcelino, but my mother
calls me Pablo because I remind her of her brother who spent two years
jail. But my friends that is, my intimate friends. call me Paul.
PETRA. I'll pay you eighty pesos. including
board and lodging.
PABLO (Jumping). I'll take the job! (PETRA
stands up and looks at him frigidly.)
PETRA. Good. You Can start by washing the
PABLO. The dishes! But it's time for lunch.
Haven't the dishes you used for breakfast been washed yet?
PETRA. No, because our servant Francisco always
breaks the plates. So I told him this morning after breakfast not to
wash them yet.
PABLO. I wish I had come after the dishes had
PETRA. All right, ask Francisco for
(PETRA goes out. PABLO lights a
cigar and throughout the following scene drops the ashes everywhere. FRANCISCO
FRANCISCO. Oh, good morning. Have you been
PABLO Staring at him insolently). No, I just
talked to the senora.
FRANCISCO. Oh, yes. why don't you sit down?
PABLO. I will. (And PABLO sprawls
Cleopatra-like on the sofa.)
FRANCISCO. Did you come on some business?
PABLO. Business? Oh, business of a sort.
FRANCISCO. That's good.
PABLO. That's a nice lounging robe you're
FRANCISCO. You like it?
PABLO. I certainly am going to buy one exactly
FRANCISCO. Thank you. Imitation, they say, is
the subtlest form of flattery.
PABLO. Of course mine will be more expensive.
FRANCISCO. Undoubtedly. You must be a man of
PABLO. Of means? Well, sort of- Hm, I wonder
what's delaying Francisco.
FRANCISCO. Francisco? I am Francisco.
PABLO (Laughing). You are Francisco?
PABLO. Well, if you're Francisco, the senora
told me to ask you for the instructions.
FRANCISCO. Instructions? What kind of
PABLO. I suppose she meant the instructions for
washing the dishes and all that sort of thing
FRANCISCO (Puzzled). Dishes-all that
sort of thing? What do you mean?
PABLO. Aren't you the servant here?
FRANCISCO (Flabbergasted). Servant! I am
the owner of the house!
PABLO (Jumping). Oh-the owner! Excuse
me! (Gliding away.) I suppose this is the way to the kitchen! (He
runs out to the kitchen)
FRANCISCO. Petra! Petra! (He exits, PETRA
enters and arranges the chairs. NENA comes in. NENA is
about eighteen, and she's wearing a nice-looking Pair of slacks. She
obviously has just risen from bed for she keeps yawning atrociously.)
NENA. Whereís the Sunday paper?
PETRA. Oh, so you're awake. How was the party
NENA. (Sitting on sofa). So-so. Mother, where's the
PETRA. Probably your brother Roberting is looking at it. -(FRANCISCO
FRANCISCO. You're awake at last. Have you had breakfast?
PETRA. Breakfast when it's nearly twelve?
FRANCISCO. How was the party?
NENA. So-so. (FRANCISCO looks for some cigars on the
FRANCISCO. Aba! Where are the cigars, Petra?
PETRA. Why, I placed half a dozen there this morning!
FRANCISCO. Half a dozen! I've smoked only one s6 far!
PETRA. I wonder.
FRANCISCO. Hm- I'm wondering, too!
NENA. (Standing and yawning). I'm still sleepy.
FRANCISCO. Wait a minute, Nena. Sit down.
NENA. What is it, Father?
FRANCISCO. So you went to the party alone last night?
PETRA. This Francisco naman! I told you she was out with Fred.
FRANCISCO. Anyhow I hope thatís the first and last time you
go to a party unchaperoned.
NENA. But there's nothing wrong, Father. After all Iím an
educated girl. (NENA yawns so desperately that she looks
like an acrobat. PETRA and FRANCISCO stare at each
PETRA. Yes, Francisco. She can take care of herself. Can't you
see she's educated? (FRANCISCO gulps and wonders if his wife
is crazy. ROBERTING enters.)
ROBERTING. (To NENA.) So you're awake! How was
the party last night?
FRANCISCO. Why are you here?
ROBERTING. I couldn't hire a taxi. No money.
PETRA. I told you to take a jeepney.
ROBERTIlNG. Anyhow I can see her this afternoon. Incidentally I
met Fred's mother a short while ago.
NENA. Fred's mother?
ROBERTING. She was near Martini's taxi station.
PETRA. What were you doing at the taxi station?
FRANCISCO. Trying to get a taxi on credit, I suppose.
ROBERTING. Anyhow Fred's mother-
NENA. What about her?
ROBERTING. She said she was coming today.
PETRA. What for?
ROBERTING. She didn't tell me.
FRANCISCO. Fred's mother? You mean the young fellow Nena went
out with last night?
ROBERTING Yes, Father.
NENA Did she say why she was coming?
ROBERTING. No.. But she seemed sore at me. In fact she seemed
sort at you, too, Father.
FRANCISCO. At me?
ROBERTING (Imitating Dolores' voice) . She said,
"Tell your father Kiko I'm going to see him!"
FRANCISCO. She called me Kiko?
FRANCISCO. Didn't she say Don Kiko at least?
ROBERTING. No. She simply said Kiko.
FRANCISCO. Aba! (PABLO's head is seen sticking out by
PABLO (Shouting at the top of his lungs). Dinner is
FRANCISCO. Hay! Don't shout that loud! (PABLO exits.)
ROBERTING. Who's he, Mother?
PETRA. The new mayordomo.
ROBERTING. Mayor what?
PETRA. He's the new servant!
(They all go out. But NENA lingers for a. while, and there's
an expression of worry on her face. Then she exits. PABLO and
the SERVANT come in.)
PABLO. What do you mean hay? My name is Pablo. You may call me
SERVANT. My name is Francisca The senor calls me
Francis, but I prefer Paquito. I once had another amo who used to call
PABLO. What do you. want?
SERVANT. The senora wants you in the dining room
PABLO. What for?
SERVANT. To serve the dishes.
PABLO. That's your job. I'm not a muchacho! I'm a mayordomo!
SERVANT. Didn't you. answer that sign over there at the
window-"Wanted: A Muchacho"?
PABLO. Yet why?
SERVANT. Then you're a muchacho, like me!
PABLO. (Threatening him with his fist) I want you to
understand that I am not a muchacho!
SERVANT. Hal You look like a common muchacho to me
PABLO. (Threatening him with the cigar he holds) Don't
let me catch you using that word again!
SERVANT. Soplado! (PETRA enters.)
PETRA. What are you two doing here? Don't you
know we're already eating? (PABLO and SERVANT go out.
Presently NENA comes in and goes to the window She sees
somebody coming, and runs out. Several knocks are heard. PABLO
is seen crossing the corridor Then PABLO enters first trying to
cover his face, followed by DONA DOLORES, a fat arrogant woman
of forty, wearing the Filipina dress and sporting more jewels than a
pawn shop. Her twenty-year-old son FRED follows hen FRED
is so dumb 'and as dumb-looking nobody would believe it. PABLO
is still trying to hide his face.)
DOLORES (Fanning herself vigorously).
Where's Dona Petra?
PABLO. She's eating. Sit down.
DOLORES. Call the senora-and 'mind your own business! (Recognizing
him.) Che! So it's you! You-you! Working here! How much are
PABLO (Insolently). Why?
DOLORES. After treating you so well at home as a muchacho,
now you come to work here without even leaving me a farewell note. Che!
PABLO (With arms akimbo). I'm not a muchacho! I
am a mayordomo!
DOLORES. Mayordomo! Mayor tonto! Che! i(PABLO,
who is now all sprinkled with DOLORES' saliva, gets his
handkerchief. PETRA and FRANCISCO enter)
PETRA. You may go, Paul.
DOLORES. Paul? (PABLO leaves.)
PETRA. Good morning.
FRANCISCO. You wanted to see me?
DOLORES. Yes! You and Petra!
PETRA. Won't you sit down?
DOLORES. I'd rather remain standing! Che?
FRANCISCO. This-this is your son Fred, I imagine.
DOLORES. Don't imagine-He is my son!
PETRA. Ah! So he is your son!
DOLORES. Supposing he is- what's that to you?
FRANCISCO. I was just thinking he doesn't look a bit like you.
DOLORES. Certainly not. He's the spitting image of my third
PETRA. Do sit down.
DOLORES. Are you trying to insult me by implying I've no chairs
at home? Che!
FRANCISCO. What can we do for you?
DOLORES (Pointing to FRED). Ask him!
PETRA What is it, Fred?
FRED (Pointing to his mother). Ask her!
FRANCISCO. Speak up; my son!
DOLORES. Your son!. Your son, eh? So you and your daughter Nena
have designs on my son, eh? Well, you won't hook him!
PETRA. What are you. talking about?
FRANCISCO. Call Nena! (Aloud) Nena! Nena! (ROBERTING
appears.) Roberting, call Nena! (ROBERTING goes out.)
FRANCISCO. If you don't mind, I will sit down.
PETRA I will sit down, too. I'm tired. (FRED tries to
sit down too but his mother yanks him out of the chain. NENA,
wearing a sports dress, comes in; followed by ROBERTING)
FRANCISCO. Nena, this lad? wants to talk to you.
DOLORES (Nudging FRED). Tell her!
FRED Ten: her what?
PETRA What is all the mystery about?
DOLORES (Ominously). My son-and your daughter-.
FRANCISCO. They went to the patty last night, didn't they?.
DOLORES. Of course they went to the party. But how did they go?
FRANCISCO. Has your son a car? Maybe they went in his ear.
DOLORES. My son has a car, and it's all paid for. But that
isn't the point!
FRANCISCO. What's the point then?
DOLORES. That's what I came to find out!
PETRA. Nena, what happened?
DOLORES. Yes, last night!
NENA. What happened?
DOLORES. I'm asking you!
PETRA. What happened, Nena?
NENA. Why. nothing, Mother
NENA. Nothing, Mother
DOLORES. Nothing. che! A girl going to a party
unchaperoned and nothing happened!
PETRA. What really happened, Nena?
NENA (Approaching DOLORES and practically screaming
at her). Nothing happened and you know it!
DOLORES. Che! How dare you shout at mc!
FRED. Don't talk to my mother like that, Nena!
NENA (Approaching FRED). Bobo! Estupido! Standing
there like a statue!
FRED. Statue? What statue?
NENA. The statue of a dumb-bell, dumb bell!
ROBERTING. (Approaching FRED and holding him by the
neck) Hey, you! Don't start calling my sister names!
FRED. She started it!
PETRA (Approaching DOLORES). Your son took my
daughter out to the party last night
DOLORES. Why do you allow your daughter to go out alone?
FRED. Nena insisted there was nothing wrong! But my intuition
told me it might be wrong.
DOLORES. Shut up, Fred!
FRED. Why, mama?
DOLORES. (To PETRA). Why do you allow your
daughter to go out alone with my respectable son?
NENA. What's respectable about him? (DOLORES gives
her a poisonous look.)
DOLORES. People saw them come and go unchaperoned. Yes,
unchaperoned! Imagine-imagine a girl going to a party alone!
FRANCISCO. (Advancing). She was with your son, wasn't
FRANCISCO. Then if my daughter was with your son, what danger
DOLORES. People are talking about last night-
PETRA. But what happened?
DOLORES. (To FRED). What happened, Fred dear?
FRED (Tearfully). Nothing, mama!